Why you actually love your period

Okay, okay I know getting your period is like the worst thing that could ever happen to you every month. Really, wouldn't we all just rather be infertile? And if you don't already know, here's why:

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• cramps feel like someone stuck a pair of scissors up your vagina and just went at it--if you don't have a shitload of Ibuprofen at your disposal you get to spend your day in the fetal position wishing someone would just stab you and get it over with already--it's like being hungover for a week!
• you blow up like three sizes the week before and the week of your Bloody Hell but you never realize it's connected so you just walk around feeling like you're fat and ugly all on your own
• the week leading up to your period sucks because you know that this torture is imminent yet you're still hoping that The Big G may spare you
• bleeding profusely from your vagina is just effing obnoxious
• your beautiful once-porcelain skin erupts 
• you ruin all your nice lacy undies trying to pretend your not spewing red death from your undercarriage

 Now, with all this crap just flying around it is difficult to see the silver lining in all this. But the truth is that there's some positive aspects of being on your period. They are as follows:

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• yes cramps are the bane of our existence, but who doesn't want an excuse to start poppin pills to help forget about our pathetic lives?
• because there is no way you're having sexy time while "the painters are in" (unless you're into that sort of thing) you don't have to worry about being your normal sex kitten self--break out the french fries, lava cakes, flowy shirts and sweats




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• you get an excuse to wear your super comfy, super ugly period undies that your mom got you when you were twelve but for some reason never got rid of--honestly we all know Limited Too and Wal Mart made the most agreeable underwear

•  the day your period ends feels like a rebirth, from which you emerge as your most beautiful self ready to take on the world and seduce hundreds of men

So basically you love your period because even though you are writhing around in pain all gross and ugly, it's the only week a month that you can just not give a flying squirrel; the one week you can say "FUCK YOU" to hygienic rules and social norms and literally no other female can say anything. Men will be too scared to come near you so you don't even have to worry about dealing with them.