Squirrels are probably the most interesting woodland
creature to almost hit with your car because from the time that you see them
and they see you careening towards them they literally do not know what to do
with themselves. They somehow end up in the middle of the road and can’t pick a
side to squirrel off to, yet it never occurs to them that if they keep staying
in the center they will most definitely be hit with the VDub. Meanwhile you’re
trying to find the appropriate level to break depending how long it takes for
them to decide and maybe it’s just me but I always let out some sort of shriek.
I obviously don’t want to hit the fella but there’s not much I can do. It’s like, I realize you’re having an
existential crisis right now but meanwhile I’M GOING TO HIT YOU. So eventually
you’re like “fuck this” and just go for the straight on halt two feet in front
of the critter, who has yet to move, obviously. And then he just looks at you
sort of bewildered and you just scream “YOU'RE WELCOME.” Phew, another innocent
life saved.
I just want to take this moment to say that absolutely NO animals have graced the bottom of my wheel.
Now geese are a little different, instead of the quick
haul-ass method they like to take their time just sort of sauntering in front
of the car, as if I don’t have a loaf of focaccia waiting for me at home. So
you do the usual break tango and then when you stop you expect this look of
appreciation and maybe a quick exit, but no. The damn thing (or things, as they
usually travel in gangs), just glances up casually like, “yes?” and it’s at
this point that you’re thinking, “should I just hit the gas anyway?”
Turkeys, however, sort of bob around like buoys on the high
seas. Don’t get me wrong I happen to run extremely fond of turkeys but they are
not a sexy creature. When they wander
out into your path all dazed and confused, you pretty much just stop the car
because you’re going to be there for a while.
But the worst thing about turkeys
was when KennyP would spot them while en route to the high school to drop me
off in the morning, and then stop in the center of the road and grab his turkey
caller from off the dash and pretend to be a sexy female turkey. As if any of
the turkeys would think, “Oh look, a big red truck! That must be my next wife!”
Meanwhile I have exactly 7 and a half minutes to be in first block and the
outcome is looking bleak.
At this point in my musings I realize
just how many different types of things run out in front of my car. Definitely
the most dangerous is deer, because here’s what happens. You’re driving along
Newington Road one balmy summer night at 10:30 (it’s a week night so I don’t
have to lie and say 2:30 am) listening to Scissor Sisters and singing along out
of tune and off key (because no one who matters can hear you) and all of a
sudden you’re looking at illuminated fur and just a lot of legs flying by. And
you have a split second thought like “damn, look a deer!” then another thought
like “hey, I might die," so then your mind starts kicking into plan mode.
You
slam the brakes like a 3rd year frat bro with a misguided freshman
sorority rush and do that whole “Jesus take the wheel” thing, maybe even throw
in some backup dancers for good luck. The car ends up at a safe yet very
efficient stop in the middle of the lane with that god damn dear safely in some
other field that looked exactly like the previous field because this is
Newington and let me tell ya, THE GRASS AIN'T GREENER ON THAT SIDE. Now you’re
all huffed up because you practically wet your ridiculously tight Topshop black
jeans over a suicidal deer.
Honestly
every time this happens to me (and it seems to happen a lot—like last year in
the span of a week three adorable little deeries tried to commit suicide via the
VDub) I just like to go “Not this time Mr. Deer! Ethel and I are too quick for
you!” Then once my heartbeat is back to normal it's straight onto the next song.
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