The real reason you hate celebrities

Celebrities, to put it eloquently, suck. Not just for the normal reasons—that they are rich and beautiful and famous etc. etc. blah blah blah. No, they suck because once you start paying attention to them they TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE. I don’t like to brag but I do a pretty sufficient job staying away from pop culture since I’ve been at college, mostly because I don’t have cable and the only time I can read magazines is when I scan the covers in line at Stop and Shop. But recently on my daily Pinterest scans I’ve been hitting up the Celebrities section, most of whom I’ve never heard of. I also accidently started watching Married to Jonas after scanning the channels one day and thereupon decided I’m literally in love with Kevin’s wife. And this is the point where they’ve got you. You’re like a helpless little lobby in the lobby trap at the bottom of Atlantic coast, ready to be hoisted out of the water and served up with some melted butter.

Yes, they’ve got you, but you don’t know it yet. You’re going along like “Oh this is just recreational, I can stop whenever I want,” and then the next thing you know you’re writing a Facebook message to Dani Jonas, looking for tickets to see One Direction in Europe and wondering where your social life wandered off to. Sidenote: don’t start following any of the One Direction boys on Twitter unless you actually give a what about them because they aren’t funny or interesting and those adorable accents don’t come with the text.

So thanks to my keen observational skills and a helpful post on Pinterest (AKA The Black Hole of Useless Knowledge) I have realized that the main reason we allow ourselves to become temporarily enthralled and subsequently obsessed with these pop tarts is because there’s that one in ten billion chance that we will someday meet them and beguile them with our wit and sparkle. Like I have this idea that I’ll just be walking down the street or in a coffee shop looking casually gorgeous and one of them will accidently bump into me. Then I’ll say something impossibly witty and brilliant and they will instantly be like “I’ve never met anyone like you before! Shall we exchange numbers or possibly grab some coffee? Or maybe I should just whisk you away in my tour bus right now?” And at first I would pretend to be sketched out and normal then eventually give in. And we would ride off into the sunset while soft yet emotional melodies played in the background. The End.

But scooting back from that little mental detour, yes ladies and gents and everyone in between, that is how they get you. Every time you momentarily come out of your daze and start to grasp at reality you think “But I might meet them and this could all come true, so I might as well keep stalking them from afar while they have no idea I exist.” It’s the only logical choice, clearly.

Honestly, the best way to get out of these kinds of one-sided relationships and to keep yourself from turning into one of those Beliebers who threaten any girl JBiebs brushes against is to avoid the whole popular culture path, or at least the cute pop stars. Or, you could do what I do and accept that even if you meet them, they won’t want you anyway and just be done with it.