Large and in charge

You don't have big boobs? You lucky wench.

"What!?" you say? "But they are so great!"

Uhhm, NO.

"But guys love them!"

I don't give a what! They don't have to deal with them every day. Being especially gifted in the bra department (I'm talking high C and above) is a plague upon our houses, and here's why:


1. You want to wear this? Forget it.

http://wondersoftheinternet.tumblr.com/post/31394202307

Instead you'll look like this:

http://www.stylehive.com/bookmark/sexy-dresses-backless-silver-dress-with-plunging-neckline-for-dancing-free-shipping-849661

 All you need is a pole.


2. Running? Nope. Not unless you want to feel like your carrying two gallon jugs of water on your chest. There isn't one sports bra that can hold all that in. But you try anyway, because who doesn't want to be in shape and scope out the selection at the gym? Then you forget all social standards and end up holding a boob in each hand while on the treadmill because that's the ONLY WAY they will stop.

 And if you're small, finding your bra size anywhere for under $75 is a miracle in itself (I'd suggest online or a TJ Maxx). You're in the bra section next to all the twiglets looking for their 32 A's and B's and you're all like, "Where the mother effer are the 32 D's?" Yeah, you're swearing because you need a new nude bra for work and taking money out of your retirement plan for a specialized bra just isn't going to happen.

You end up settling for some "close" seconds. You convince yourself in the dressing room that the 34 C totally holds everything in even though you're like one yoga move away from busting a nipple out the top. You leave feeling accomplished that you've cheated the system and believing maybe you're not they're not as big as you think (you don't let the VS people measure you anymore out of fear of the answer). Then the second you get home and try it on again you're like, "Sweet Jesus I'm stupid."

And strapless bras? Yeah, no. Don't fool yourself, that thing is going to be a belt twenty minutes into your day.


3. Finding clothes that don't make you look like your in your third trimester or haven't hit the gym since 2008? Absolutely not. You want to be able to rock this look so hard, because it's in style and, HELLO, it's comfortable:

http://media-cache-ec2.pinimg.com/736x/10/57/af/1057af8f0fcea2f02df7444065592770.jpg

But you can't. Instead you need something more like this:

http://www.90210-style.com/characters/adrianna/adrianna22.php

 You need that tight-fitting, suck-it-in stuff, and most likely you're going to have to belt it for added style and accessories. Breathing? Yeah, you're not gonna be doing that. The worst part? Having to face that you're an Adrianna, not a Silver or Annie. BUT JUST LOOK AT HOW COMFY THEY ARE:

http://www.90210-style.com/characters/annie/annie106.php

http://www.90210-style.com/characters/silver/silver94.php

 4. Trying to find a button down for work or play? Good luck. Unless you grab up a few sizes, this happens:

http://mbadventure.com/2012/03/24/big-news/

Or, you're trying to pull one of these off, until seven minutes into your day when you have the construction guys trying to look down your shirt (and easily doing so):
 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=xsUiIU_nSR7jHM&tbnid=CdJ5GHXzoOSk3M:&ved=0CAEQjxw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mybrandfashion.com%2Fproducts.asp%3FCateId%3D999&ei=gSHcUcDiEK6j4AP31oHIBg&bvm=bv.48705608,d.dmg&psig=AFQjCNHPIPIPhm6HjwhG-ogd-1xuCkBNbw&ust=1373467218118665

 5. Any normal outfit looks overly sexual. This:

k3photography.tumblr.com/post/34634143614

Turns into this:

http://www.allfancydress.com/photo/34/Ximena.aspx

 Just give up trying to look stylish and attractive, because your boobs are making sure that never happens without making you look like a Playboy Bunny.